search inside my skull

Angela, April and I were at a McDonalds near the intersection of Airport and Whitesburg. An illegal mexican was being chased by the cops at about 100 mph, and two kids from the high school I used to go to were at that intersection. The collision happened, and the two kids flew to the windshield onto the front of the car. People started to try to run up to it to do something but then it burst into flames.
I've been trying to have some good times since, but this is plaguing me almost.

Caleb and I were talking about Jamie one day. I hadn't really noticed the things we discussed until then. We talked about how he does things to people he's close to that make them feel like don't matter or have little importance to him. Like if something bad happens he wants to meet new people, press a restart button, as it is like we're not worth his efforts. I wonder if Jamie realizes that. I don't know. It hurts, though.

My mom got a convertible. She says I can drive it on graduation day. I'm pretty psyched. I also talked about graduation when I went out to eat with my dad and his girlfriend, Cathy, at Terra Nova's (I've been craving some Italian). She is letting me use her neighborhood clubhouse for an after party. We are going to try to get Dave Anderson, the best local musician (and I mean BEST), to play. A woman who is Cathy's friend and should be on Ace of Cakes is making me a cake. I'm even more psyched.

Prom is next week. I'm going with Brett as friends, and he's been cool about that regardless of his feelings for me. I feel bad for him having to pick me up, though. I live a ways away from him. The day after that I have my Jobs for America's graduates (JAG) competition. I'm in JAG Bowl, that is, we have a series of career related questions that we buzz into to answer and each team consist of four people. We are taking a charter bus to Montgomery, and Mrs. Hall (JAG instructor) is going to take us around down town. My upcoming life seems so eventful.

I wonder how I'll feel when I graduate. There are all those people who say they miss high school. Good Charlotte didn't miss high school, they hated it with a burning passion. I think I'll just miss the people and a select good teachers.

Last night Angela and I got drunk and watched Beavis and Butthead. Well, I didn't get drunk, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't drink. I chewed a lot of gum and laughed just a little less than her.

I'm trying to be happy.

Lately my closer group of friends include Angela, Jamie, April, Caleb, Sara Shine, Keaton, Shelby, Patrick and Mara. They've been quite pleasant company.

Tonight Angela, April and I had planned on seeing Send More Cops at the Benchwarmer. We got mesmerized by an accident near McDonalds, so we sat there watching the scene get busy while we ate some fries. Caleb called, and we headed to Jamie's house to hang out. Smoked a bit. Sat in my car and listened to Tool while eating the tastiest cheetos ever. It was funny as hell.

If people don't care, they seriously don't bother even bringing you up anymore. I've heard a lot of people say "I don't care", but I've never seen a worst case of denial.

As I've said many times before, I think my life could be a Lifetime movie or show. That's terrible.

Sometime in early February Jamie and I started talking. I was stuck at home alone a lot because I was sick and unable to go to school. He was stuck at his house, which is away from a lot of things, had no job, wasn't in school, a car with little gas (and no money to fuel the gas to fuel the car), and was feeling lonely himself. We could relate. Him and Morgan were having trouble. She didn't understand that when you're in his situation you have too much time for yourself, and this is because you have time to think, which is time to over-analyze if you have enough of it. It's depressing. The first day we hung out was to go job hunting, I asked Morgan repeatedly if this was okay. She said yeah, yeah, he needs to get out. We had a good time. Morgan was going to other people telling her she was uncomfortable with it, though. I didn't learn about this until later.

Morgan told me how she pondered breaking up with him. One night he IMed me. He said he she had done it. He was drinking, and I went out to his house to check on him. He was doing okay as far as I could see. Offered me some Jack Daniels, which I accept, and took--

I'll finish this later lol.

I love Jamison Knoblach unconditionally.
He has a girlfriend, she's my best friend, Morgan.
It hurt at first. That's okay.
He's happy.
Thus far, I don't want anyone else.
I just want to stand by him and see him happy.
Even if it's not with me.

I was having an emotional sort of heart attack.
I searched my house for things affective at lethal OD, but all were just things that would make me very sick.
I shot up air and went to sleep, but I think apparently I never had the physical heart attack I searched for.
I woke up fifteen hours later all alone in bed where I had laid.
I cried thinking about how I could've been laying there cold, and it would've been a while before anyone took notice.
I wish I had just died.

I had a pretty happy day, but I think I was still sad during it. I'm not thinking about it then. At night is when it really hits me. I have no one around and so much to think about. This is the top reason why insomnia disturbs me: More time for thinking alone which results in the darker side of things.

I say definitely a lot, and have finally jammed in my head that it is not "definately" but "definitely". I have a few other words I need to do that with. Like spelling Michael. Did I even spell that right? Is it Micheal? The spell check on here isn't telling me which one is wrong. Shit. This is going to bother me. Especially considering it is my father's name.

I went to Barnes&Noble today with CC and James. We read a few books on foods: what to eat, what not to eat. There would be a certain food and tell you which kinds are good and which aren't. You know the Big Mac and the Whopper? Yeah, choose the Big Mac. There were a list of chips on there, too. I'm eating a nice, big bag of Lays Sour Cream & Onion (not that I'm eating the whole thing). Guess what? It's a no, no. "Oh well" always handles situations very well.

I would like to burn a CD with "1812 Overture" by Peter Tchaikovsky on it. The whole thing. The focus is always held on the climax, that's the part people are familiar with. It is nice to build up to the climax of the song, though. If you like "Parabola" by Tool, you should listen to it right after "Parabol". That is how the music video goes. You know what I'd like even more? To see an orchestra to perform "1812 Overture". Grissom High School's band is really competitive from what I remember of my band friends. They should do that.

I have stayed up all night tonight, and have yet to do my Forensics homework. I am awfully, awfully lazy. Seriously, how many nights do I spend all these hours awake and do the most fucking unproductive shit I can do?

I had this situation with this guy. I have only known him for a month, but will go as far to say that it is not a crush but I've fallen for him. He's dating a close friend now. At first I was bothered, but not so much anymore. He's happy. I like that. It still hurts in some ways, but I'm happy for him.

Every paragraph I've written before this one begins with I. That bothers me. It makes me feel narcissistic. Maybe I am for even pointing it out and planning on changing it so I can become a perfect little person

Morgan pushes it down on me so hard. We had a text combat the other day. I told her how I cut, how she's hurt me, how she has been too busy with Jamie to see me. She insist that she's hurt so, so bad. Goes about it as if I don't come anywhere near to understanding her pain. Over and over again she says she's dying and tried to hang out with me. What kind of bullshit are you feeding me, Morgan? This sounds harsh, but did you take your meds? Or are maybe meds the reason you speak ridiculousness. She tells me that we (CC, James and I) make her feel so goddamn left out. That I'm depressed around her, but when I'm around them "its like fucking rainbows come out of them". She wouldn't know this, she doesn't even try to know this. She doesn't do much to cheer me up, though she tries to claim she does. CC and James make me happy, use them as examples. She says, "Oh please i always had ot talk to you first for you to even have a convo with me". Wtf, when were you the first to speak first? When? "CC and you seem to not need me anymores so of curse i'm eventually going to just leave you guys alone". How do we seem that way? That shows how much you care. Do you have a fucking mental disorder? I really am convinced you do. You little victim, you. Poor Morgan, she's been through so much. Look outside your fucking life.

And this I wish I could say to her, but she's a complete nutcase that is in denial, oblivious to the shit she contructs for herself and others.

I'm going to update this thing on a regular basis. Or, at least, that's the plan.

Two nights ago I was sitting in my dining room on the computer. I had been there all day, so by that point I was feeling pretty miserable. There was some noise outside that sounded like my brother in the Tercel and one of his friends in their usual big ass trucks, so I thought nothing of it. Then I decided to head out to Angela's, and by the time the car got to the second light I could tell the back left tire was on it's rim.
This is what you get when you live with Ryan Arthur Louque, a genius at accumulating enemies.
James helped me with that, though. I feel stupid for not knowing how to change a tire.

Last night I went to a Key Club event with Ashley, a girl from my school. I believe we were the only people there not from Buckhorn High School. Tony was the only person I knew, and I was thankful that there was a someone I knew. Ashley won a gift certificate for Red Robin, a restaurant she doesn't like in the first place. Regardless, it was still enjoyable.

CC spent the night at my dad's with me. This house is a freezer, and this is fucking hell when you're someone who gets easily cold. We watched Burned After Reading. The end was rather disappointing.

Lately, things have been dramatic when they haven't needed to be. I really dig this guy. I thought he felt the same. If someone kisses you there has to be SOME attraction. One of my best friends has liked him a while, though. This I didn't quite know, but I did know she liked him at least a tad. I still care deeply and romantically for him after the bullshit I've constructed for everyone. I'm selfish scum.

Reading old entries freaks me out.
I was such a loser.
I hate my typos, too.

I moved in with my mom recently, my brother included. It's nice to not have so much worry, stress, and such. My mom moved from Five Points to the first house on the right when you turn on Blevins Gap. Grissom High School is behind my house now.
My winter break started off going to Louisiana to visit relatives. It wasn't anything spectacular. I recieved the normal Christmas gifts. I liked it okay.
I spent the night with one of my best friends for two days. It was great, but the thing is, she always has this other friend with us. The other friend really is nice and all, but she can agitate me after a while. I really miss just hanging out with my best friend.
CC spent the night last night because she had called. I feel like I don't spend much time with her sometimes, and I really want to. We went to Waffle House, and her boyfriend, Kurt, showed up later. I sort of felt like a third wheel, but I tried not to let it bother me to much. I told her how I felt when we were leaving, and she said I should've said something. She bought Superbad, but we couldn't get the dvd player set up. I stayed up all night. I can feel my tired. I'm going to try to work it out of me.
I believe I'm being hired at Firehouse Subs sometime next week. I really need the money. My mom is tight on money, and I feel bad asking her.
I'm going to take the dog on a walk around the neighborhood.

I really care too much for things that shouldn't be cared for. Narssicism. I want peoples' love so bad. Not just your love. Not just his love. Not just her love. Everyone's. I want to be known and be liked. It's so high on my priorities. Why? Does this really help at all?
I think I'm always have a tad bit of depression in here.

I do have love, though. And I'm trying not to take it for granted. I'm trying to recognize, see all these people who love me, and I do believe I love them back if not as much than more. I'm sorry if there are times I take you and you and you too for granted.

I'm happy with Pat. We have a few things to patch up, but so does everything else. I love him.

I'll screw you over.

Jezuz, my throat hurts.
and my back.

i like soft, cuddley, autumn clothes!

I like block schedule. I like tech school. I get to work in a hospital for school. I'm joining key club!

I want to either play soccer or get a job, but I feel guilty that Pat might not get as much time as he or I have wanted.

Everything's fine right now.

I hung out with Angela recently. It was a lot of fun!
We went to her house some. I love it there. I felt bad being there at the same time, though. I moved. I remember almost everyday afterschool at Challenger we'd walk to her house and do whatever there. We'd play video games, practice for choir, eat junk food, watch funny things on the computer, yell at people from her back porch and hide, make prank phone calls, all sorts of stuff. I even stayed there for fall break, a few times I think! If I had a second home, that would be it. I moved away from my home, so being at Angela's, I just remembered it's kind of like my only home now. Oh, but I do love my mom's house very much, I feel at home there, but I feel more at home when I'm at Angela's.

I'm really happy I'll be going to New Century. I miss Angela. I miss her mom, too, her mom was always very kind to me. I miss Eva and Robert, her brother and sister. I guess I really just miss the Duvalls.

I cried when this one character died =[.

I really haven't read much of anything sad enough to make me cry, but it was very depressing to me. The character has been in the series since book 4, and was always an innocent, helping character. Right after helping several main characters escape danger, they found the character had been wounded. It died.

I want to think of a good example.
I guess it might be as sad as seeing the defenseless kitten you've had for a while, that you've taken care of, that you've watched grow, get hit by a car.

I'm sad this is the last book. But that party was really fun! I got to see all my friends ^_^. And I "fuck you"ed a lot of people who deserved it. And I saw girl from Egypt I didn't remember that I knew, but she was pretty cool, anyways.

Sean, Angela, Vicky, Mina, Joseph, Keagan, and I went to booksamillion. ann was there, and her hair looks nice. WE WENT TO IHOP AND IT WAS SO MUCH FUN!

Mario Party at Pat's house 2nite ^_^

Once upon a time,

There were these two little kids, who were great, great friends!
One of them had a stuffed animal, oh, and how the child loved that stuffed animal. It was the kid's favorite toy. But one day...

the stuffed animal had a tear in it, so it had to be tailored. The child waited so long for it to be fixed, the child wanted to love and hug it as once before. While waiting for the precious toy, the child played with the friend. They had become best friends in the child's eyes. The kid still waited for the toy as they played. Then, the toy was fixed!But...

the friend took the toy. That toy. THAT TOY! The child loved the toy, it was so dear, how could a friend do that? The child was so upset, and meanwhile the friend played with this toy, playing and playing and playing, so much fun! The child cried for the toy, and the friend played. The child didn't sleep thinking of the toy, and the friend slept with arms wrapped around the toy. The child tried to learn to get over it, and began coming to terms with things knowing that the friend had done a very unfriendly, horrible thing. Then, one day, the friend wasn't playing with the toy. Where had the toy gone? Hadn't the friend put the child through enough just stealing the toy? The child continued to be confused until one day the child found the toy in a dumpster with a tear in it's chest.

And this was the biggest FUCK YOU the friend could've ever given the child.

i love these people, and i can see they love me, too.
i think i'm going to be just fine.

these events have been rather depressing.
some clouds have rainbows,
i'm lucky mine did.

I don't like being mad at peoples' happiness, but what if it's happiness accompanied by ignorance?